The thing I am afraid of is Calvin feeling left out. I'm a middle child. I understand the feeling of losing that spot as the baby. And I don't want him to feel like that. I pray I'll be able to find a balance of meeting his needs and the new baby's. I don't worry about not being able to love them both, I worry about Calvin not feeling all the love I have for him as much.
I can't wait to do things differently.
I can't wait to correct all the things I didn't do right with Calvin.
I have breastfeeding experience now. I'm not going to be afraid to feed baby #2 whenever they want. I better understand nursing on demand. I better understand hunger cues and the fact that babies literally eat all the time. I feel more confident in the breastfeeding department.
I can't wait to take advantage of that magical first hour laying skin to skin. I can't wait to try to nurse baby #2 right off the bat. And I can't wait to have the guts to keep my baby all to myself instead of inviting family to come in immediately. I didn't do those three things with Calvin and I have regretted that.
While there are so many things I look forward to, the idea of having two little people to take care of also scares me!
I'm afraid of going to the grocery store with two little ones.
I'm afraid of sitting down to nurse the baby while also making sure Calvin doesn't get himself into trouble.
I'm afraid of the exhaustion. I have experienced two different kinds already in my short time as a mother. There's an exhaustion that comes from utter lack of sleep. In the newborn days when you're up every 2-3 hours at night, that's one kind of exhaustion. There's also the toddlerhood exhaustion from watching over a tiny person who literally cannot sit still for one whole minute. And to imagine living through both of those at the same time just sounds too difficult to handle to me now.
And it's not just about once the baby is here! Being pregnant and taking care of a toddler at the same time is equally terrifying. Pregnancy is hard. The fatigue of it all on top of the daily exhaustion of the life of a full time working mother of a toddler? Ahh!
But I can't wait! I can't wait for the journey to come.