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Tuesday, May 28, 2019

I Am Feeling Lost

Today, let's talk about feeling lost.

I started feeling what I referred to as some seasonal depression in February, but it took me until the end of April to finally come to terms with the fact that it maybe wasn't that "seasonal." Even with spring in full swing, I still wasn't feeling any happier.

I've been working outside the house very part time (once every 10 days or so), while babysitting a friend's little girl since mid-November.

So I was trying to narrow down what was causing the depression and my husband and I both felt like I needed a change. So I decided to start with the babysitting. It was just getting to be too much for me. Three under three is no joke. And the two littlest are only six months apart. Being surrounded by babies, unable to leave the house while I was babysitting (because we don't have a car to accommodate everyone), I felt like a prisoner in my own home.

Then, someone at work went on vacation, so they asked me to come in a little more. That week, I worked three days, still babysitting on my two days off. And let's just say that week sucked. But it taught me that I definitely didn't want to go back to working outside the home full time.

But since telling my friend I was ready to stop watching her daughter at the end of April, I've felt this huge weight off my shoulders. I don't feel like I'm back to normal, but I definitely feel better. So at least I know I'm taking steps in the right direction here.

So I'm stuck in this limbo. I don't want to work full time. I don't want to babysit anymore.

And to make things more confusing, things at work are changing too.

And my husband and I are so close to having our house paid off. Every single dollar counts and the more you work, the more money you make, right? So I feel conflicted about how much to work outside the home.

All I hope is that I'm able to find a good middle path where I can still be with my babies more than not, and work enough for some adult interaction without neglecting my household responsibilities.


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