Potty Training Naked Method Week 1 Update

We have been working on introducing potty training for a couple of months now. We would have Eren sit on the potty at diaper changes, especially first thing in the morning (if he was in a good mood first thing), randomly throughout the day, and before bath time, for example.  But he pretty much never peed on the potty in all that time! I could count on one hand how many times he successfully peed on the potty in those couple of months. He told me when he pooped in his diaper maybe twice.

So after not making much progress at all, I decided it was time to take potty training seriously and hit it hard. I wanted to see if perhaps Eren just wasn't ready or if we weren't being consistent enough with him. 

Eren turned two on March 17. We started doing nakey butt potty learning on June 25.

So we decided to start implementing a lot of naked butt time this past week and boy, has it made a difference! 

Eren gets excited about the potty and actually cares about the whole concept now. Before, I didn't think he had a clue what was going on. 

So what have we been doing? 

Let Eren run around the house in only a t-shirt. 

Keep the potty in the middle of the living room in the same spot all the time. Leave the lid up a lot too, so it's always ready. 

Make Eren wear training pants or underwear while we play outside, go somewhere, or have guests over. 

Put a nighttime diaper on him for bedtime. (He's not napping anymore, but if he were, I'd probably put a diaper on him for naps too)
Randomly throughout the day, I'll just say, "hey, babe, remember when you need to go potty, just go sit down on the potty, okay?" I don't force him to sit on it, I don't put on a timer and make him try at any intervals. I have just been waiting for him to figure it out. The first day, I gave him snacks for sitting and trying, but after that, he's only been getting snacks when he actually goes.
I've been giving him candy when he goes on the potty. His older brother Calvin is also getting candy when Eren goes potty because I don't want to fight about who gets more candy haha. So this has actually helped Calvin get involved. He gets so ecstatic when Eren goes potty, tells him he's doing a great job, and he helps us carry the potty to the toilet to flush away. I guess that's another thing, we make it a big event to carry the pee container to the toilet, he gets to open the toilet seat and flush it away and shut the toilet lid.

Day-by-day:

I started on a Thursday at home by myself with the boys and vlogged the whole first day. (That video will be up soon.) We didn't have much success. Eren peed on the floor a couple times before he even admitted that he was peeing, he did wear training pants a few times throughout the day and peed in them every time. He didn't pee in the potty at all. 

Friday the boys spent the afternoon at one grandma's and overnight at another, so I don't think we even bothered with any potty learning time. 

Saturday we forgot about nakey butt time until like halfway through the day and he made a little progress in the afternoon. 

Sunday he actually made a lot of progress. He was really good about sitting every once in awhile. Randomly he would just say "potty!" And run to the potty, sit for 10 sec, then leave without peeing. But he'd come back a couple minutes later and try again and he'd pee! So he was finally starting to recognize the feeling his body made when it was time to go! 

Monday he would pee anytime I put him in underwear (he did a Walmart pickup in the am and played outside once in the am and once in the pm, and he peed in his underwear every time! ha). I think he only peed once when he wasn't wearing underwear, and he did get it in the potty. For his poo, he started pooping on the floor, then realized he needed to get to the potty and finished pooping on the potty. He wasn't telling me when he'd pee in his underwear. Even if I asked him, he wouldn't admit it. So it felt like a bit of a set-back. 

Tuesday he pooped fully on the potty! He didn't start pooping somewhere else, he realized he needed to poop, sat on the potty the whole time until he was finished, then told me he went potty! It was a pretty big deal and I was so excited! He peed in underwear once while we were playing outside. And he peed on the floor once, but headed to the potty to finish once he noticed he was peeing. So he had a really good day. I started seeing that each day had so much progress!

Wednesday he had two accidents, both pees sitting on the couch. He pooped in the potty all on his own again. And overall he had a really awesome day. He did pee in training pants when we played outside, which seems to be his thing. We also started implementing a sticker chart reward instead of snacks. I decided he'll continue to still get snacks for poops though. 

So week one went really well! Of course there's a lot still to learn. Here are some goals we'll be thinking about in our next week of potty training:
Help Eren remember to tell me he needs to pee while he's wearing underwear too.
Pulling underwear up and down.

We'll probably keep doing the nakey butt thing next week, but we'll work on talking about pottying while we're playing outside and he has underwear on too.

Thanks for reading!
Love,
Alaina

Stay at Home Mom : Pros & Cons by a Working Mom

When we started trying for our first son, we decided I would be a stay at home mom some day. We knew it wouldn't be with him, but it was on our radar for one day!

We said maybe when #3 was born.
Then we said when we got the house paid off.
And yet we've come to a point not based on either of those things.

We've come across an opportunity for me to stay home while still making a little income. I'll be babysitting for my best friend whose daughter was born in September.

Some days I am ecstatic and cannot wait! I can't wait to take the boys to story time at the library, nature walks, playground and park visits, puzzles and workbooks, plus so many more activities! I can't wait to spend everyday with my littles.

But then I think about the bad days. When Eren needs to nurse at the same time Calvin's having a breakdown about something that seems very insignificant to me. And I think to myself, how on earth am I going to do this 24/7?! And then throw another baby in the mix?! What have I gotten myself into?!

So I thought I'd jot down some pros and cons that come to mind while thinking about this transition. Just to clear my mind and lay some things out in the open here.

• I will be surrounded by the tiny humans all day, every day! - I've never done this before. I'm an introvert. Will I need more alone time? Will I crave adult conversation and interaction? Will the couple hours each night I get to spend with my husband fulfill that need? 
• Gas money savings - My commute to work is super short: 10 miles one way. So I don't spend a ton on gas anyway. But will we even save money on gas? If I take the kids to the park a couple days, the doctor another day, grocery shopping another day, I'll be spending the same in gas even if I'm not going to work.
• Grocery trips - I will no longer be able to stop by the store on the way home from work and grab things without worrying about toting around two little ones. Will I go on the weekends and abandon my husband with the kids. Will grocery time become my "mommy time?" Or will I haul these little people around with me to get the shopping done during the week?
• My husband will save time. He helps me get the kids ready in the mornings during the week. Without having to wake them up, he'll get to sleep in an extra half hour each morning and not have to worry about the tiny humans while he's getting ready for work. That will be nice for him.
• Will I have more or less time for YouTube and the blog? Since I'll be spending all week with the kiddos, will it be easier for me to take an hour or two on the weekends to work while my husband hangs out with them? Will I find it impossible to get a spare moment to film or edit during the week? Will I have more or less motivation?
• Household chores - Hopefully, if I can get my shit together, I'll be able to do the stupid things like laundry and cleaning before my husband gets home, so he'll be able to spend his "off" time actually off and with the family. But will I resent him for never having to do those chores? Will I be able to accept my new job as designated housewife? Or will it be super hard to find time to even do those chores and we'll still be stuck doing laundry all weekend?

And the bigger worries...
What if I'm not any good at it?! What if they drive me crazy? What if I lose my crap every single day? What if I take my frustrations out on my husband or can't get any housework done or my plan for a fun-time weekly schedule totally goes up in flames? What if I'm simply not cut out for this?

Well, all I can say is, you never know until you try, right? :)

Love,
Alaina

A Touched Out Momma

Being an introverted mom is hard. But I definitely don't think this is a problem just for introverts. All moms must experience some level of it. Feeling 'touched out' is very strange. Today I felt it because I cared for the children alone the previous day while my husband was just right outside our window, building a shed in the backyard. Then I was dog sitting today. Dog sitting in itself is a pretty easy task, but as someone with two tiny people to care for and personally really very much being a cat person, it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That dog apparently likes me. He followed me all day. Sat at my feet while I edited videos, stared at me while I ate, and stood right underneath me as I cooked for my family. 

I immediately took a shower after dinner instead of waiting for the boys to go down, just so I could have a moment to myself. Maybe I even cried in the shower. 

When I returned from my shower, my toddler was making growling sounds as he played before bed. And no matter how many times I asked or told him to stop growling, he didn't and I couldn't handle it anymore so I ran upstairs with the baby to finish his bedtime nursing session. Those little noises were driving me nuts. Then, no joke, my cat was sitting on my desk chair next to the bed, licking herself. I had to stop nursing the baby, get up, and throw her out of the room because the sound of her tongue was making me lose my mind. And I'm actually typing this post right now from my phone while Eren's falling asleep on the boob. I am so ready for bedtime. 

I feel so extremely touched out today. And honestly, I don't think I get that feeling all too often, I can think of maybe two other times I've noticed it in these 2.5 years of motherhood. But today it came on strong. It's different from the usual end of the day exhausted feeling of everyday motherhood. It's exactly what it sounds like, feeling touched out. I just want my space, I want everyone out of my personal bubble, I don't want anyone clingy to me anymore.

And, just like so many other parts of motherhood, it's a strange feeling. I feel so bad afterward for avoiding my children's affection. I know they just want to be loved and held and I know all too well this isn't going to last much longer. Calvin already hardly ever sits by me and cuddles anymore as it is. I need to be basking in this cuddly love, but today just wasn't one of those days. I guess we'll try again tomorrow.

Love,
Alaina

5 Ways We Get Our Toddler to Eat Healthier

These are 5 things we do to get our toddler to eat a little healthier.

Calvin is two and he has gone through many picky phases. This is what works for us and I hope you can take a tip here or there that might work for your family.

1. Sneaking healthy stuff into his normal food.
Seeds are so healthy and pretty easy to sneak into things. Hemp seeds in grilled cheese and chia seeds in PBJs are my two go-tos.

2. Give in to his healthy cravings.
When he gets on a less picky kick, we make sure to feed his healthy food desires. A month or two ago, he was really into apples so I made sure to always have them on hand at home. He went through the same phase with bananas and grapes. Anytime he's asking for something other than cookies and candy, it's a win and it needs to be rewarded, if you ask me.

3. Incentive.
We use the iPad. If he takes a bite, he can play on it. If he doesn't keep eating, we take it away. We usually whip it out on days we're trying something new and we're unsure he's going to be willing to take that first bite. Sometimes we use dessert as incentive to eat dinner too.

4. Using baby brother.
We threaten to feed his food to Eren (7 months old). We also show him what we're giving Eren to see if he also wants to try it too. It's pretty cool how much better he's gotten about trying different things since Eren started eating with us at dinnertime. Seeing brother so eager to eat everything has been rubbing off on Cal.

5. Switching things up.
Sometimes Cal gets his own meal, sometimes he eats what we're eating. I think finding a balance between these two kinds of meals has really helped us as a family. I get much less frustrated and I think that helps him not feel so much pressure too.

Bonus: Tasty vitamins.
I'm pretty sure he just thinks they're extra special candy. It makes me feel better knowing that even if he isn't eating his best, he's still getting some nutrition in his vitamins.

I hope you found some help in these. Let me know your favorite tips in the comments below!
Love,
Alaina

Appreciating the Little Things in Motherhood

Yesterday was my day off with the boys. And the day went awesome. Everyone woke up at around 6-6:30. I filmed a YouTube video at my desk while the boys played on my bed. We went downstairs and put the diaper laundry in the dryer from the night before and hung the covers out on the drying rack outside. I also filmed another video while we were outside. Eren got tired so I put him in the swing, and I was able to edit those two videos while Calvin watched TV. I folded the diaper laundry and started a load of regular laundry. I swept the kitchen, did the dishes from the night before, and even cleaned the downstairs half bath. I felt super accomplished. And all of this took place before 11 am. Eren wasn't having that great of a day, he was only sleeping in 30-45 min increments, but it was still maybe my most productive solo day ever since Eren was born! And I just wish everyday was like that!

But every day is not like that. It's just that simple. Some days I wake up with an attitude, or I forget to feed myself and get hangry and my fuse is really short. Some days Eren wants to nurse every hour on the hour and I have no time to do anything else. Some days the children seem to be having a pooping contest to see how many diapers I can change before lunchtime! Haha. And, simply put, sometimes a good day can turn less than good in just a moment's time.

Motherhood has surely taught me to take things a little less serious. If we're just not having a good day, I won't even attempt to accomplish household things or YouTube work. Some days I have to tell myself, "you're not going to accomplish anything today, just let it go." And those are the days when I let it all go and only tend to the children. And you simply can't predict which days will run smoothly and which ones will feel more difficult.

So even though the morning was awesome, the afternoon wasn't quite as great. Eren slept for about 30 min at the beginning of Cal's nap, but then was not very happy for the rest of the napping period. He didn't really want to nurse and he still sounded awfully tired, but didn't want to nap either. So I didn't get much down time to myself for the day. But I still felt so accomplished. And I still felt super happy and grateful for the day.

Awesome days don't happen all the time, but motherhood has changed my definition of an awesome day and has taught me to appreciate the little things more.

(written several weeks ago)

I hope you're having a good day today. :)
Love,
Alaina

5 Unexpected Things About Birth and Postpartum with Baby #2

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I just did this less than two years ago, after all! But, like they say, every baby is different, so here are some things I did not expect about the birth of my second son.

C-Section Procedure 

In the Operating Room, my first c-section actually went really well. This time around, I felt so terribly gross the whole time. I threw up. And afterwards I still felt so sick to my stomach, I hadn't eaten in way too long, and still couldn't eat immediately afterwards. I couldn't even keep my eyes open, and I literally just passed out as soon as they got me back to my hospital room. It sucked! 

C-Section Recovery

The recovery was surprisingly easier than the first time. Maybe I kept up on my pain meds better once I got home, but overall recovery wasn't too bad, even in the hospital. Maybe I just knew to take it easier this time around. 

Belly

I didn't think my stomach looked too bad after Calvin, but holy crap, Eren messed it up. The stretchmarks were way worse the second time. And the overall sagginess was worse. And I can totally feel the lack of core strength now too. 

Breastfeeding Struggles

It's not that I thought it would be easy peasy, but I definitely did not expect it to be harder than the first time around.

Brotherly Love
With all the negatives on this list, I thought I'd include one very big positive. I cannot explain how much overwhelming love and fullness I feel when I see my two boys together. When I see Calvin loving on his baby brother, it quite literally melts my heart. I thought it would be cute seeing them together, but cute doesn't even begin to describe it. I never could have imagined this incredible feeling!

Thanks for reading!
I love you guys,
Alaina

The Transition from 1 to 2 Kids

Was it easier or harder than expected?
I think it has been about as hard as expected but perhaps in different ways than I thought. For example, I thought having to sit down and nurse Eren while trying to make sure Cal wasn't doing something he shouldn't be was going to be hard, but that's actually not bad. Cal is very independent and he seems to understand that I can't really help him a whole lot with a baby attached to my chest. He understands he has to wait for me to get him a snack or fill up his cup and he's been really great in that aspect. However, the hard part has been when they both cry. Eren was colicky for the first 2+ months. When Eren cried, Calvin would cry, and vice versa. They just feed off each other's sadness. I was not expecting that. Listening to two crying kiddos, not being able to figure out what's up is really hard. It makes you want to just walk out the door and leave them to fend for themselves some days...
And the extreme exhaustion was unexpected. Chasing a toddler is hard. Caring for a newborn all hours of the day is hard. But both of those things together? That sucks.

Do you love them both equally?
I have to be honest. When Eren was a colicky little newborn, I did not feel an ultimate, bonding connection with him. I talk about that more in my "love at first sight" video HERE. But once we overcame his super fussiness at 2.5 months old, I can honestly say yes, I have a ridiculous amount of love for them both and it's incredible. I can honestly say now that yes, I do love them both equally.

Did Calvin understand? How did he react?
I definitely underestimated that little dude. He was almost 22 months old when Eren came. I think he's had a much bigger understanding of this whole thing than I knew a little boy could. I truly feel like he understood the pregnancy more than I thought. He's never patted my belly and said "brother" since Eren was born. He knows brother is on the outside now. And he's never been mean to Eren. He's never acted like he was mad at him. He's never acted like Eren needs to leave or he doesn't belong. He's never seemed overwhelmed by the fact that sometimes I just can't get to his needs as promptly when Eren needs something. Overall, I know he really gets it. He just knows Eren's part of the family now.

How do they interact together?
It's more amazing than I expected. Seeing Calvin give Eren kisses is literally the best thing ever in the world! It's perhaps my favorite part of being a mommy right now.
Calvin loves his brother. He is always asking about him. If I'm laying around with just Calvin and my husband is off with Eren, Calvin asks about him. He says things like "baby brother sad, hungry?" It's just too cute to see his concern for Eren.
And Eren is finally starting to notice Calvin more too, here at four months old. He will watch him as he walks around the room. He gets so happy if he lays by him on the floor. He cries when he leaves him. He actually cries when anyone leaves him.

Laundry? Diapers?!
I knew there would be a lot of laundry. I knew there would be a lot of diaper laundry. And diaper laundry every two days is perfectly fine, it works out great. But now that I'm back to work, in the middle of the week, I can get a day behind. Three days of diaper laundry sucks. Two days; I can deal with. I even completed the Flats & Handwashing Challenge on maternity leave, which was pretty fulfilling, actually.

So overall, things have definitely been different than I expected, but not all in negative ways.
I hope you enjoyed this little post.
Love,
Alaina

My Working Mom Morning

This morning I really didn't want to leave the kiddos. I didn't want to go to work and not see them all day. I sat on the couch with my oldest, thinking about freezing time still so I could just sit with him awhile longer. He curled up with me all lovey (an act he does less and less these days as he's a busy toddler with lots to do). I wished I didn't have to go get little brother ready, that I didn't have to gather all our things in the car and shuffle the boys out and off to grandma's.

I guess I just have phases like this. Sad and overwhelmed by life. I had one in the late summer of last year when I had been working five days a week instead of four. That took a toll on me. I missed my son so much that summer and I struggled a lot with working mom guilt.

This year I have two boys to miss. My littlest Eren is only four months old right now. It makes me jealous of moms in other countries who actually get decent maternity leave. I took eight weeks. And I used my vacation time, like 16 hours a week, I don't get actual paid maternity leave.

Breastfeeding, Working Mom

Sometimes I worry about my milk supply. I was consistent pumping at work for my oldest, Calvin, but I started running short around 11 months with him. I worry about the same thing happening with Eren. I pump 3x at work each day, but of course Eren's eating more than that. I just have to keep my fingers crossed it all evens out and I don't get behind because there are days in the office where I just can't get back to pump on time. There are busy days when half my coworkers are gone and I can't just remove myself. There are days when there are meetings in the conference room and no one lets me know so I can't schedule around them by pumping early or whatever. I have to pump before work some days just so I can make it to my first pumping session at work without engorgement.

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. As I was loading the boys in the car, I even said to myself, "just go grab a banana from the counter," then I still forgot. I bring salads for lunch at work, very basic, nothing extravagant. Without breakfast, I'm going to be starving come dinnertime. But I can't run out to grab a lunch that would be more filling because I already take time out throughout the day for pumping.

And yes, I am very fortunate to have a great milk supply. And I am proud of myself for persevering through all the struggles I've had with both of my boys. It was not just a given. There were never any magical, perfect first latches like so many women talk about. It's hard, even the second time around, it may have been even harder than the first in some ways.

Working at Work, Working at Home

The work load of actually going to work and taking care of a house and family is overwhelming. I wake up, go to work, come home, do more work. Last night I was up later than I wanted to be just to wait for the dryer to finish our diaper laundry so I didn't have to fold it in the morning (and good thing I did because obviously I was running late this morning, I didn't even have time for breakfast).

I plan our entire month's dinners out at once, I go to the store, I go to the store again when I forgot an important ingredient, and again when we run out of milk and fruit and veggies. I cook dinner. I do some dishes (honestly my husband is really good about dishes). Laundry: the never-ending constant stream of laundry! Oh and speaking of never-ending; I feed the baby. When he is awake, he is perpetually attached to the boob, it seems. I come home to a cluttered kitchen and living room 5 of 7 days (Thursdays and Friday mornings I usually tidy up before I leave for work). Some weeks it feels like the whole house is in this impossible, messy limbo of toys and dishes. Seeing the clutter overwhelms me.

Many evenings when I get home with the children, our littlest wants to nurse and take a nap. If you've ever nursed a tired baby, you know full well that such a nursing session will take twice as long as a typical nursing session. He's not really drinking his milk, he just wants to be comforted to sleep. I understand and I do love it, knowing I'm the only one to comfort him in that way, and I try with all my might to enjoy those nursing sessions without worrying about the rest of the evening. But there are lots of things to do when I get home from work, like starting dinner. I like to start dinner when I get home with the boys. Justin gets home about 30 min after me, so I can have dinner ready as soon as he gets home. If I'm nursing Eren instead of making dinner, dinner is thrown off by 30 min, which throws off the entire night.

And on top of that, I try to get in some of my own mommy time, which is actually just more work: keeping up on my two YouTube channels. I have been putting out consistent content 3x per week for months now. I love the feeling of being consistent on my channels, but let me tell you, it's a whole 'nother work load altogether. I work on it in the evenings if I successfully get Eren to bed at the same time my husband is putting Calvin down. You know, after I worked all day at work, then came home, made dinner, probably did some laundry and cleaned up.

Just last night my husband was telling me that he felt sad lately. When I asked him why, I kind of already knew the answer because it's the same reason I've been feeling kind of sad lately too. He said it's because it's like every day is just a repeat of the day before. It's just this endless cycle of work at work, work at home, sleep, repeat. We're burnt out.
___

Maybe what we need is a vacation. Or maybe there’s nothing we can do about it and this is just life. I try to tell him it’s just a season. It’s hard when the babies are little. When Eren starts sleeping through the night, or moving around more, or eating solid food, or playing with his brother, maybe we’ll get more relaxation. But it hurts to even think such things. We wish away the baby months when we should just be enjoying our little ones in that moment.

Does it all come back around to the fact that I’m not able to take months of maternity leave? If I were at home all day with the children, all the household chores would be complete (well, let's just say mostly). We wouldn't have to spend every evening doing laundry. We wouldn't spend all weekend cleaning the bathrooms or grocery shopping. Would being a stay at home mom make any of this better? For either of us? Dinner would still need to be made. Dishes would still need to be done. The children would still need help going to bed. The baby would still wake in the middle of the night. 

I don't have any solutions. I guess I just needed to vent. Moms have it tough. Working or not. But motherhood is truly the best job there is, if you ask me.

___

Oh, and get this, when I got home from this day of missing my babies, I learned that my mother in law saw Eren roll from back to front for the first time today.

I missed Calvin's first steps when he was little too. 

Thanks for reading.

I love you guys!

I hope your day feels a little better than mine. 

Love,

Alaina

Working Mom Back to Work Day #2

Morning of day 2 back to work. Sorry it's so blurry!

This is the morning of my second day back to work. Both mornings have gone sooo much smoother than I was imagining. I thought for sure we would be late, both kids would cry all morning, nothing would go right, and I'd leave the grandma's breathing a huge sigh of relief I didn't have to deal with that all day!

But the mornings were great. I got Calvin ready first and Eren nursed well and was very pleasant while I packed everything up to leave. Justin even got to say good-bye to Cal both mornings because we were up so early to get ready. (Usually Justin leaves before Calvin is up) Last night, Eren even slept six hours straight, which was really nice because Sunday night Calvin was up at midnight with a bad dream and Eren woke up soon after we got Cal back down. Oh, the joys of motherhood. It's all about mastering how to function on so little sleep. 

I got to run by the store Monday after work and that was nice. Run in, run out, easy peasy.

One thing I do not miss is pumping at work. Three times per day, eating my lunch hunched over the pumping parts attached to my chest. That tingly feeling when you know you need to go pump but you're busy finishing other work. Worrying about how much you're producing and if the grandmas are overfeeding little mister. Motherhood is full of worry, no matter if you're with the kids all day or not.

I imagined this transition back to work like I was abandoning my babies for two years. Like I wouldn't see them again and they would be so big by then. (We plan for me to be a stay at home mom in a couple years) To imagine that my little Eren will be Calvin's age by the time I get to spend each and every day with them again breaks my little heart! I know the time will fly. It already has been going so fast. I can't believe Calvin will be TWO this Memorial Day weekend!

I didn't have a breakdown. I didn't cry. But I definitely was not overjoyed to leave them. I know they're in good hands, of course. I know the grandmas want to spend time with them and love on them too. And on the inside, even though I didn't want to admit it, I needed a break.

I am so fortunate to have Wednesdays off from my job. Only working four days a week is awesome and I would absolutely recommend to anyone facing working mom guilt to try and cut back at work if at all possible. I very truly believe it has helped me stay sane and not feel too strained and stretched thin. (I've had Wednesdays off since I returned to work after Calvin was born, except for last summer when I worked five days, which sucked super bad and almost threw me over the edge. You can read my mom guilt post that I wrote at the end of that summer here). The day off gives me the opportunity to keep up on the house a little, do diaper laundry (and all the other stupid laundry), and get to spend time with my littles. I get to spend a full day each week pretending I'm a stay at home mommy. That's truly how I view those days off. I just can't wait to be home with them all the time.

So although this is just week one of about 90 until I get to be with my babies all the time, I know we all need it on some level. They need to spend time with the grandmas to get to know and love them. The grandmas need it because grandmas just love grandbabies. And I need to feel like I'm contributing to the household in a financial sense and I guess you could say I do need a break from the munchkins sometimes too, even if I don't like to say that.

I hope things continue going smoothly and I hope this stupid working mom guilt starts to subside. Here's hoping it's just a first week back thing and it doesn't last too long.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
Alaina

MIA Mom of 2

Well, I sure have been MIA, haven't I?

Life with a newborn and a toddler is crazy, let me tell you. Anytime you want to do anything at all, it takes a lot of planning ahead and extra time factored in for poopy butts and toddler meltdowns.

I am so in love with my little family. Seeing how Calvin loves on his baby brother is seriously the most adorable thing I've ever seen. It melts my little heart to see him giving kisses or randomly asking to hold him.

But it's hard work. I don't even know when the last time I wore makeup was. And whenever it was, I can almost guarantee it was not applied first thing in the morning, it was probably closer to nap time, after noon.

I head back to work here shortly and it's very bittersweet. I don't want to leave my babies. I have grown accustomed to spending every single day with them. We have a routine, even if it's not exactly what organized people would call a "routine." It's very hectic. And I want to continue that. I don't want to miss out on anything. These last seven weeks have absolutely flown by. Way faster than they did with my first son. Eren is growing every day. Calvin is too. He is just so grown up. Looking at him compared to his tiny little brother, it's absolutely stunning to remember him being that tiny just two short years ago. Two years! Time really does fly.

So although I don't want to leave my babies and I desire so much in my heart to never return to work and stay with them forever, I know I should get back out there. I look forward to being able to stop by the grocery store on the way home from work and shop all by myself instead of packing up the boys and towing them around with me while I pick up a handful of things. I look forward to dropping them off at the grandma's in the morning and not having to worry about them for 9 hours. On the mornings when everyone is crying and nothing is going right, I will breathe a sigh of relief to drop them off and get in my car to head to work alone.

I am jealous of stay at home moms who get to spend every day with their babies. But at the same time, I understand just how demanding it is. And so here we go, back to work, back to working mom life, but with two littles to constantly think about. Back to pumping at work (which I am so not looking forward to), back to sleepless nights that end with an alarm clock sounding, back to a different kind of exhaustion. I hope I can make it. :/

Love,
Alaina

He's Here! Eren Michael 3/17/18

one week old

Eren Michael
March 17, 2018
7:17 am
8 lbs 5 oz
21 inches

Labor & Delivery Story Video HERE

We're in love!

Love,
Alaina

Personal Update : Fall 2017

Here's just a random little rambly update about my own personal life, without really talking about the children. Sometimes it seems like my only identity is as a mother, but I'm my own individual self too, man!

I know we're only halfway finished with pregnancy #2, but I am excited to have this baby and get my body back. Since we planned on having our first two pretty close together, I have to be honest in saying that I wasn't super motivated to get my body back to pre-pregnancy weight super fast since I felt like I was just going to hop right back into pregnancy and all the weight gain that comes along with it soon enough. I was about 10 pounds heavier with baby #2 than when I started off with Calvin baby #1. Now, at least for the time being, we want to take a break from baby making for a few years before we start trying for #3. And that gives me some kind of motivation to get fit. I just can't wait to work on my body again and feel confident at a weight I am happy about. By the end of this pregnancy, it will be close to three years since I had the body I wanted.

And it has motivated me (at least lately) to watch myself better during this pregnancy. The less weight I gain in these next four months, the less I have to lose once new baby arrives. The better diet I get myself on now, the easier it will be to eat reasonably once baby is born too.

I didn't track my weight gain after the first trimester with Calvin. And this time around I am holding myself accountable by announcing the weight gain in my updates. I am teaching myself that it's all about moderation. I don't need cookies every single evening before bed. I can have cookies as a treat once or twice a week instead. And although it's only been about two weeks that I've been watching myself better, I can totally tell a difference. I am counting calories and trying to chose fruits over sweets and adding more veggies to dinner, etc. Taking walks in this cold weather is 0% appealing, but I've begun yoga once a week and hope to gradually get myself up to three workouts each week.

In the meantime, I'm excited to just be a mom of two for now. I'm excited to be a hot mom, honestly. I'm excited to just be content in what we have at the moment. To be content with two babies for now. I've always wanted four. And I know one day, we'll complete our family, but it's exciting to just settle down for a little bit.

And it may sound crazy to even be thinking about all of this when we still have 20 weeks to go before we even meet Mr. Eren baby #2, but I'm just excited for the future.

Thanks for listening.
Love,
Alaina

18 Month Old Toddler Update : Calvin Lee

Language has been perhaps the most exciting thing in these last 6 months. Around 16 months he had this huge explosion of language. All of a sudden he just started saying all kinds of stuff. He'd just choose random words from our sentences and say them. Anytime we say "say ___," he almost always tried to say it. 

The two words that really made me happy were "bus" and "breakfast." We try to watch the school bus come by on mornings I get to take him to grandma's. He points them out in books and on tv all the time now. They don't even have to be yellow, he still knows what they are. It's really cool. He kind of thinks breakfast can refer to any food, he uses it a lot, not just in the morning, but it's still such a big word, I was so proud of him for using it. 

In the past month or two Calvin has finally come around to story time. Before he would wander around or try talking over you the whole time you read to him. But one day it all just clicked. He sat down on my lap and listened and looked at the pictures and actually cared about story time. He would then grab books off his shelf and instead of simply throwing them all over his room, he would open them and look at the pictures and point out things. I was astounded and so glad we kept reading even though he didn't seem to care because it's all worth it now. I love story time with him.

He likes to brush his own hair. We're letting it grow out. I'm not sure what our end goal is, but I've only been tidying up his bangs so they don't get in his eyes and his neck just to make it look a little neater. His hair totally doesn't want to part on the side yet though. I keep hoping one day there will be enough there that we can part it, but without the use of barrettes, I'm not sure what his hairstyle is going to end up like in the future. 

He enjoys chewing on his toothbrush. He has so many teeth! We're just waiting on one little fang to come in. 

Around 17 months, he started making more noises when he plays with his toys, like he's actually trying to imitate the sounds those objects make. 

He's learning to be nicer to the cats. He pats them more gently these days. He's friendlier to dogs. He used to be afraid of them. 

He sounded like he was singing the other night. He definitely had a tune to his voice and what he was talking about. That makes me happy. I enjoy singing and it's cool to see that perhaps that's rubbing off on him, environmentally or genetically.

We're back to working on potty training. Around 9 months, we went through a phase trying to familiarize him with it, but there were some consistency issues so we pushed it off until a later time. He's been showing a lot of signs that he's ready to learn again. For now, we sit on the potty occasionally at diaper changes or when Calvin pulls the potty out and acts like he wants to use it. We're not pushing it just yet, but our goal is to really get involved after the new year. 

But he is still a boy. He is rambunctious and adventurous. He has only just learned how to sit still when it's time to calm down for bed. Otherwise, he is bouncing off the walls all day long. If he's having a bad day and every little thing seems to be getting to him, we try to get outside. Being outside can totally turn his day around. Even though it can be hard to get him to come back inside once he's been outside. He just loves to be outdoors. 

He's still only taking one nap per day, it's moved from 11 to more like noon. On our days off, he sometimes sleeps in until 8 or 8:30 am. He has to get up at 5 or 6 am with Justin and I during the work week, so I know that time difference messes with him some days. Bedtime has recently moved from 7 to 7:30 pm during the week or 8 pm on weekends. We like to put him down "early" so Justin and I still get some us time. We both agree that the extra hour or so after he goes down is necessary to keep us from parental burnout. 

He is great on the stairs. We live in a two story, so he was learning to do the stairs before he was walking. We have gates at the top and bottom and do still use them, but he's pretty confident in himself and Justin and I both trust him. It's not the end of the world if we leave the gates open. They're more for our convenience just so we know he isn't roaming free and getting into stuff he shouldn't. 

He still has days when he'll eat as much as a grown-up, then take three bites of dinner the next day. The doctor claims it's normal, but it drives me crazy some days! 

Every day I say he literally could not be any more handsome, yet he gets cuter every day! Seriously. I keep saying I don't know what we're going to do when he's a teenager, then Justin says he'll raise him to be nerdy and he won't get any girlfriends and that will solve our problems. Ha. 

It is unbelievable to look at pictures of him a year ago knowing that it's the same person! You don't see the changes on the every day when you're with him, but looking over time it is hard to fathom. I can't wait to see more and more of his little personality as the months go by. And I can't wait to see him as a big brother come springtime! :)

Love,

Alaina

Random Thoughts : VBAC vs. C-Section Decision

The goal here is simply to express all the thoughts running through my head regarding the possible ways our newest little one is going to be brought into the world.

Calvin was born via c-section after 2-3 hours of pushing

Positives of a planned repeat C-section:
Baby's birthday is pretty much planned.
Knowing I won't have to go through labor ever again.
Being prepared for the c-section instead of failing at a vaginal delivery and having things cascade into the same sucky situation as last time.

Positives of an attempted VBAC:
I tried. I know I gave it my all.

Negatives of a repeat C-section:
Feeling cheated for not getting to try for a vaginal birth again.
Recovery time is long.
Risks of complications are higher.
The fact that I will now have to have c-sections for all future babies.
Possibility of limited family size due to too many c-sections.

Negatives of an attempted VBAC:
Feeling of failure again.
Risk of flashbacks to my traumatic first birth.

_________________

Of course a successful VBAC would be my #1 pick. That's what we all want! But I have to be realistic and look at all of the possibilities.

I think I will be able to accept it if I try for a VBAC and fail. At least I gave it a go.

But I have to prepare for the possibility of a planned c-section too. That's the scenario that's going to be harder to accept.
My doctor wants me to try for a VBAC, but she also made it very clear that we will know more the closer we get to my due date and it may end up making more sense to just go ahead with a c-section if baby is looking really big or if other complications arise. And that's the part that I have to learn to accept, if it comes down to that. It will be hard to live with the fact that I didn't get to try again for a vaginal delivery. It will be hard to accept that all of my babies will be born via C-section and I'll have never given birth "the right way."

Thanks for listening.
Love,
Alaina

Toddlers are Exhausting

Toddlers are exhausting on an everyday basis.
Now give momma the fatigue and nausea of early pregnancy and it feels like the exhaustion is never going to go away!
And it's not just me. Justin passes out at 8 pm right by my side haha. Sympathetic pregnancy symptoms are apparently for real.

And then I think when I'm finished with this whole pregnancy thing, I'm going to have two tiny people to keep alive everyday!

I look back on the newborn phase as not as bad as I thought it was when I was in it. If that makes sense. Babies sleep a lot, then they nurse a lot. Easy peasy, right? Well throw a crazy little toddler in the ring and it's like, what have I done?!

And it's funny because Justin and I want to have several kids.
And I keep telling myself we'll just figure it out as it goes, it's gotta get easier with each one, right?

Good thing we're right on the verge of the second trimester;
the magical part of pregnancy where you get your energy back and your bump is a cute size instead of unbelievably gigantic.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
Alaina

Preparing for Birth Again After a Traumatic First Go-Around

I would call Calvin's birth traumatic for me.
I know there are far more traumatic birth stories out there in the world, I realize that, but I still think I would call Calvin's birth traumatic for me.

Neither of us were in distress, but things sure didn't go as planned.

• Calvin was born via c-section after 2-3 hours of pushing (my nurse said it was 3 but I thought it had only been 2).
• I never even gave any thought at all to having a c-section. I never ever expected it to happen to me.
• All of my family was at the hospital waiting on his birth.
• We got to spend one hour with Calvin before he was going to the NICU. So we decided to let our family who had been waiting like 4 hours to come and see him so I literally only got to hold him on the way from the operating room to our hospital room before he was passed around to everyone else.
• Calvin spent 48 hours in the NICU.
• Once we got him back to our room, we tried nursing for the first time and he absolutely would not latch at all. That had been a big fear of mine.
• I was stuck in the hospital for five weeks before Calvin was born. I never got to nest. I never got to just sit in his room and gaze at all his things.
• I "attended" our baby shower through Skype. So I never got to open all the presents or wash all the baby clothes and have that one essential new motherhood experience.

And I believe that all these things combined made the birth of my first precious little boy a traumatic experience for me.

I didn't feel connected to him. I didn't feel this instantaneous overwhelming love for him. I didn't even give him his first kiss until his second day of life outside the belly! (that totally breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes whenever I say that)

Even though I saw him on ultrasound twice per week and heard his heartbeat twice each day for those last five weeks in the hospital, I just didn't feel the connection right off the bat.

We're going to try for a VBAC this time, as long as things are looking okay. And I understand complications can change things in the end. I think I'll be okay if we end up with another c-section after a couple hours of pushing. But at least I'll have given it a try. And if baby is looking giant and it just doesn't seem plausible to even try, I guess I'll have to enjoy the fact that we'll have baby's birthday already planned and I can at least take a little bit of comfort in knowing we won't have to go through labor again. I want it to be its own special experience, no matter how it turns out. I don't want to fear having flashbacks to Calvin's birth.

I've gained a lot of acceptance to either way things turn out, especially since discussing the possibility for VBAC with my doctor. But the one thing that really bugs me and worries me about it all is that Justin and I want lots of babies. And lots of c-sections is not recommended. It's not the recovery or the label or the fact that I have never had a baby "the right way," it's the fear that we aren't going to have as many babies as we always planned because of the way they come into the world. That's the part that really gets to me.

I love you guys and am so happy you're on this journey with me. I hope this post meant something to you.

Love,
Alaina & Tiny Baby #2

Working Mom Guilt : Pregnant with Baby #2

Holy cow, working moms are tough.

I must admit, since getting pregnant with baby #2 I've been experiencing a lot more working mom guilt than I did in the past year.

I'm sure it's a combination of all different things.
Such as...
Pregnancy hormones just make me more emotional.
Pregnancy fatigue makes me not want to do anything.
I've been working 5 days a week instead of 4 like I was for the first 9 months or so I was back to work after Calvin was born.
Thinking about the future.

Mornings suck. I've even been going in to get Calvin 15 minutes earlier so we have extra time to spend together. It's almost like that backfires though. The more time I spend with him in the morning, the more I don't want to leave him. Instead of just rushing to get us both ready and in the car, where I don't have much time to think about the fact that I'm not going to be with him all day.

Evenings suck. I just want to relax, but the house is a mess, dinner needs to be made, regular laundry and diaper laundry need to be done, and I want to spend time with both Cal and Justin. And there's only 2-3 hours to spend together before bedtime!

Calvin feels it too. He is very clingy in the mornings and wants to be held the entire time, so it's hard to actually get things ready for the day. In the evenings he can be the same way. He's not even content to sit in his high chair next to me while I cook dinner, he wants to be in my arms. And believe you me, I'm all for baby-wearing, but this guy is a toddler now. And he's a giant one at that. Putting him in a carrier is no fun. So we must accomplish many things one handed.

And perhaps one more thing that makes it suck even more is that my husband and I have decided that I will be able to stay home with babies 3 & 4 once we have become financially stable under Calvin and new baby. I feel guilty that the future babies are going to get to spend more time with me than my current babes.

So what is a momma to do?

I understand I'm very fortunate to even have SAHM status on the radar. Some moms don't get the opportunity. But also, it's not like SAHMs are spoiled like their family is well off to be able to afford to have one parent at home, I don't think that's the case at all. It takes determination to set a strict budget and make it work. Justin and I are working our butts off for the next couple years to get our family into the best financial situation possible. Justin has a good job but we're not making a ton of money. It's going to take a lot of work to get to where we want to be, then to keep our strict budget and make it work on one income as well.

If I were to quit work now, it would put us in a financial bind that we don't want to be in at this point and for years to come. It would be selfish of me to quit now when we're realistically looking at financial freedom in just 2-3 years. So I know I have to choose what's best for the whole family unit, not just my own guilt.

So I shouldn't complain because I know it will happen one day, but in the meantime, some days are just hard.

Thank you for listening.
Love,
Alaina

Our Breastfeeding Story : My 15 Month Old Self-Weaned

This is definitely "our" breastfeeding story, not "my" breastfeeding story. It's a relationship and a process my son and I have both gone through together. We had a combination of baby- and mommy-led weaning, but when it came down to the very end, Calvin chose when it was time to stop, albeit, earlier than this momma was expecting.

In the beginning, breastfeeding was hard. Calvin couldn't latch. He never latched in the hospital, I pumped, and when he was in the NICU, they even gave him formula. He only finally latched with the help of a nipple shield right in the pediatrician's office at our first out of the hospital visit. And let me tell you, that moment brought tears to my eyes! After days of struggling with him he finally was drinking straight from the tap! 

We didn't take advantage of that magical first hour after birth. Calvin was going to be spending 24 hours in the NICU, after one hour with us, and my family had already waited for like four hours to see him. So I decided to forgo that hour alone with just the three of us, and let our family members come in to meet him. I do regret that decision.

So the nipple shield proved to be another obstacle altogether. It was almost two months before we weaned from it. The nipple shield and I had a very love/hate relationship haha. Without it, I'm unsure we would have ever made it in our breastfeeding journey, but weaning from it was a bitch. Calvin became dependent on it, even when I just knew he didn't really need it, he preferred it. And honestly, I was somewhat dependent on it too. It was easier to just let him use it than to struggle with him for several minutes without it. But I hated relying on the thing. The whole point of breastfeeding was to be able to do it anywhere at any time, but always having to remember that nipple shield was making a natural, convenient process, totally inconvenient. We had an emergency nipple shield in the diaper bag, one upstairs in our bedroom, and one downstairs in the living room. 

I don't want to focus too much on all our mistakes here. I've got a whole post about that here! Haha. I just want to put it out there that we didn't start out all sunshine and daisies. 

Now excuse my #mombrain and #pregnancybrain here about exact dates, but I'm pretty sure we nursed on demand until Calvin was around nine months old. That's when I made the decision to start changing our schedule around a bit. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or if it was bound to happen naturally, but over the next few months, the nursing sessions just started dropping off like flies! 

Around Calvin's birthday, we started trying for baby #2. I really really didn't want to have to wean completely in order to get pregnant. That was a big fear of mine. I wasn't ready to wean. That first and second month of trying we were down to two nursing sessions (morning and bedtime) but when we didn't get pregnant in those two months, I started to question whether breastfeeding was the cause, so we dropped our morning nursing session. So we held onto that one last session each day for about two months before one night Calvin just decided he didn't want the boobies anymore. And what a shame, he had just learned to say booby! Haha. He says it real fancy-like, "boo-bay."

About a week or two before he was totally finished, he refused to nurse on my left side. That side always produced less, so I thought maybe it just finally dried up. 

About a week after he stopped taking the left side, he started nursing every other night or every three nights. I describe it like a cat's instincts haha. If a cat sees a laser or a jingly ball, they just have to attack it, they can't help themselves, it's just their instinct to do it! When Calvin saw the booby, he initially leaned in to drink, but as soon as his lips touched my nipple he was like "nope, I don't want that." We tried both sides, we tried laying side by side, nursing off the side of the couch, laying on my belly, cradle hold. We tried getting him calmed down to almost bedtime proportions, but he still just didn't want it. So he went to bed without it. He only nursed to sleep about half the time anyway at this point, so he was fine to go to bed just rocking with my husband. Justin always takes him up to bed, he's awesome like that. :) I think he has more patience than me. Haha. 

Then he caught a cold. He was already nursing every couple days at this point, and once his nose stuffed up and he couldn't hardly breath while nursing, we were done for. He skipped a couple nights as he was first getting sick, and then we got one magical night where he was actually able to breath before bed and we nursed. Our very last nursing session ever. And it was just great and I'm so glad I was able to cherish that last time and remember it and know in my heart that it was probably going to be the last one. 

We were in his room getting ready for bed. He was covered in natural vapo-rub, we had a humidifier running, and an essential oil diffuser, trying to make sure he'd sleep through the night with his poor little cold. We sat on the floor leaned up against his dresser and nursed for the last time. 

If it had been just a few weeks earlier and I would have had a breakdown, I think. I just wasn't prepared. I felt like I needed it more than him. I worried about having to stop due to sensitive nipples in early pregnancy, but we never had that problem. We were blessed to make it this far and I know it's earlier than I would have liked to let him go, but I am so grateful that he got to make the decision and I'm so glad he did it on his own. 

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Alaina

Parenthood in the Workplace

You could call this a rant, but I like to think of it as simply an observation of what actually takes place in what I'm sure are more work environments than you thought or hoped.

I work at a construction supply company. I'm in the office. There are about fifteen of us altogether. That's including warehouse, drivers, and us inside the office. I am the only chick at this location.

Several employees around here have had babies recently and I have witnessed for myself just how fucking sexist these people are around here. If we want to be specific, the problem is management. And it's not just sexism aimed at females, it goes the other way too.

When one of our drivers adopted a newborn baby and came in late one morning when the baby was literally days old, saying he hadn't gotten much sleep, one of our managers asked why he was even up in the middle of the night because his wife is a stay at home mom, that's her job to care for the baby. Legit. 

They get so upset that they could possibly be left short-handed because another person is bring born into this world.

Our branch manager actually had a baby earlier this year and he took a week off, no problem. But when one of the drivers or laborers has a baby and wants to take a day or two off, our two managers inside bitch and whine like it's the most selfish thing he could have done. Seriously. A day or two! I don't think anyone has taken more than that. 

If a guy who just had a baby can't even take off a couple of fucking days to assist their wife with caring for a whole new-born person, what the fuck?

Yet, as I mentioned, when the boss had a baby and took a week off, no one batted an eye. 

And I don't think these things are said to anyone's face, they're just spoken behind their backs, for the most part. 

This American culture of sexism sees parenthood as a topic to be kept behind closed doors. Pretty much everyone here is a parent, yet nobody is allowed to acknowledge this.

Of course, I'm hearing this as a fly on the wall, so to speak. I wouldn't know what they had to say about me when I was out of the office for three months when I had Calvin. They probably just thought I was over-reacting when I had premature rupture of membranes and was on bed rest in the hospital for five weeks. Then I took another eight weeks once the baby was born?! They were genuinely shocked by that one. I guess they thought those five weeks before my son was even born was just as good as having five weeks with him after he was born. 

Love,

Alaina

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother of Two : TTC Second Pregnancy

As Justin and I have been trying to conceive baby #2 the last few months, I thought it might be nice to just take down my thoughts on the whole matter of becoming a mother of two.

________________________________

I always hear new mothers of their second child saying things along the lines of, "I didn't think I could love another baby as much as I love my first!" I might regret these words in the future months to come, but as of right now, I don't think I'm going to feel that way at all.

The thing I am afraid of is Calvin feeling left out. I'm a middle child. I understand the feeling of losing that spot as the baby. And I don't want him to feel like that. I pray I'll be able to find a balance of meeting his needs and the new baby's. I don't worry about not being able to love them both, I worry about Calvin not feeling all the love I have for him as much.

I can't wait to do things differently.
I can't wait to correct all the things I didn't do right with Calvin.
I have breastfeeding experience now. I'm not going to be afraid to feed baby #2 whenever they want. I better understand nursing on demand. I better understand hunger cues and the fact that babies literally eat all the time. I feel more confident in the breastfeeding department.

I can't wait to take advantage of that magical first hour laying skin to skin. I can't wait to try to nurse baby #2 right off the bat. And I can't wait to have the guts to keep my baby all to myself instead of inviting family to come in immediately. I didn't do those three things with Calvin and I have regretted that.

While there are so many things I look forward to, the idea of having two little people to take care of also scares me!
I'm afraid of going to the grocery store with two little ones.
I'm afraid of sitting down to nurse the baby while also making sure Calvin doesn't get himself into trouble.
I'm afraid of the exhaustion. I have experienced two different kinds already in my short time as a mother. There's an exhaustion that comes from utter lack of sleep. In the newborn days when you're up every 2-3 hours at night, that's one kind of exhaustion. There's also the toddlerhood exhaustion from watching over a tiny person who literally cannot sit still for one whole minute. And to imagine living through both of those at the same time just sounds too difficult to handle to me now.

And it's not just about once the baby is here! Being pregnant and taking care of a toddler at the same time is equally terrifying. Pregnancy is hard. The fatigue of it all on top of the daily exhaustion of the life of a full time working mother of a toddler? Ahh!

But I can't wait! I can't wait for the journey to come.

Love,
Alaina