New Year Breastfeeding Goal?

I want to be that mom who doesn't care about whipping out her boob to feed her baby. Her hungry baby. Her whiny baby. Her tired baby. The boob really is the best for fixing most of baby's problems.

I am much more open about breastfeeding on social media. I don't have a problem with posting pictures of me and Calvin breastfeeding on Instagram in particular. I post links all day on my personal Facebook about breastfeeding, but I haven't posted a picture of us there. I don't have a problem feeding him with my close family around: my sisters, nieces, mom and dad, but when it comes to attending a birthday party for Justin's side or shopping at Walmart, I bring a bottle.

Sometimes I feel guilty about bringing a bottle. Why can't I just feed him like usual? Why am I not brave enough? I feel guilty because it seems like Calvin eats so much better at the breast. He seems to calm down better and relax more. If he's also tired, it helps him rest or fall asleep.

I want to be able to just whip it out and feed my baby no matter where we are or who is there. My main worries are douche-face people who have dumb-ass comments to make, making people I know uncomfortable, and now that Calvin is older, him not being able to focus and showing my nipple off to everyone haha. The number one of which is making people I know uncomfortable. I just remember when Cal was a very tiny baby, Justin's brother came over. I knew he was coming, so I put a nursing scarf on to cover up. His brother walked in and said, "oh, is this a bad time?" It made him uncomfortable even when I had a cover on. And we don't use a cover like ever. So what happens if we go to a birthday party for one of his kids and I whip it out to feed Mr. Cal with zero cover on?

Then I think, next time I'll do it differently. Next baby I'll not give two craps from the very start. I'll have a crazy toddler to worry about too, I won't have time to pump and make a bottle before we go somewhere, or pump when we return to make up for missed feedings or whatever. Next time it will be different.

And then I think to myself, why wait?

It's the new year, might as well come up with some kind of resolution, right? And God willing, we're only about halfway through with our breastfeeding journey anyway, we still have plenty of time to get used to feeding everywhere, plenty of time to take advantage of it, it's not too late. I pray we have many more months of breastfeeding to go!

So here it is ladies and gentlemen: we are on our journey toward breastfeeding everywhere! I don't see this as an overnight change, but a gradual transition, and hopefully putting it there for the internet to see will help keep me motivated and feel accountable.

I love you guys!
Alaina

Latest Video Uploads! LainasLife & Lainamarie91

Guys, I was super productive this weekend! Check it out! I edited two videos during one naptime! Haha. This is #momlife. 

I put up my Latest Vlog from this past Wednesday at home with Calvin on my mommy channel. Plus a Roxie's Baby Everything Blanket video for my regular channel to remind people that I'm still here and hopefully draw some viewers over to my vlog channel if they're interested in the mommy side of things.

I hope this little weekend of motivated effort will continue to give me momentum.

Love,
Alaina

P.S.
Calvin is army crawling!

I Hate That I Had a C-Section

In all honesty, I absolutely hate it. Even seven months on. I hate that I had a c-section. It bothers me like no other. I almost went off on my best friend the other day for saying I hadn't given birth to Calvin. I very sternly retaliated with, "it was his birth day, wasn't it?"

I wish he had been breech and we had to have a c-section instead of pushing and failing. 

He was head down. 

He was ready.

I was not.

After nearly 20 hours in labor and 3 hours of pushing. I failed. 

That's what I feel like. I feel like I failed. I tried and I failed.

Then when Calvin could/would not latch in the hospital, I felt like even more of a failure. 

I felt like I had completely fucked up being a mother. In just a few days time. After months of carrying him, I had thrown that all out the window because I didn't give birth to him the way I thought it would happen.

I never read about c-sections or recovery because I thought it would never happen to me. 

I hate that it greatly increases my odds of having more c-sections. 

And I want a big family. 

And it makes me wonder whether or not I should even try to push next time around. 

If I fail again, I fear it will be even more of a traumatic experience than the first time around. 

But if I don't try again, am I just admitting defeat? I'm not even putting any faith in myself. 

There are a lot of things about Calvin's birth and the last five weeks of my pregnancy that make me upset, even still. Things that make me feel like a failure. Things I feel traumatized over. Things that I know will haunt me in all my future pregnancies. Regrets. Fears. And I want the opportunity to redeem myself and "do it right" next time. I love Calvin with all my heart, more than I ever knew I could love anything or anyone, yet I hate most of the entire birth experience I had with him. Women talk about how empowering giving birth is and I certainly did not and do not feel that way at all about the birth of Calvin. 

I don't write this to get any kind of sympathy. I write this for the chance to rant and let my feelings out, but also to hopefully show another mother out there that she is not alone if she has similar feelings. 

We are all mothers. I guess the one positive thing I can pass along is this: don't let one moment of motherhood define your entire identity as a mother. Your baby doesn't care or remember, all he needs to know is how much you love him and that you are being the best mommy you can be for him.

Love,

Alaina

7 Month Old Baby Update + Postpartum

Seven months old. It just sounds so old! I literally can't believe it! Calvin looks more and more like a toddler every day, no longer my little newborn baby boy.

Eating blueberries on Christmas morning.

Lots of things have been happening this month! Still no crawling, but I saw him get up on his hands and knees and hold it for what felt like forever just last night! And most exciting of all... he has a tooth! A real baby tooth! Ahh! I just discovered it last night while he was trying to gnaw my finger off. Haha. 

CALVIN

He had another growth spurt at the beginning of the month.

On Dec. 18, I plopped him down on the floor in the living room, next to a laundry basket and went to the kitchen for something. When I returned just seconds later, that baby boy was clinging to the side of the basket. If I hadn't arrived when I did, he would have been buried under a toppled pile of laundry. I grabbed the other side of the basket to make sure it didn't tip, and he just pulled himself right up like he'd been doing this for weeks! Haha.

He keeps sitting up in his swing, instead of leaning back like a good baby. One day Justin put him in the swing and didn't close the lap piece. After leaving him alone for literally just a few seconds, I returned to the living room to find this baby clinging onto the bottom of the swing almost completely slipping off of it. 

He has started reaching for people. When we're sitting on the floor and he's tired of playing, he'll reach up to me. When people are holding him, he'll reach for who he wants. I think it's a pretty cool new skill. 

He got another cold right before Christmas. Running nose, stuffy, boogery. It's so sad because it's hard for him to nurse. And he hates when you try to suck the boogies away.

He gets so distracted when nursing. Like the whole wide world is just so damn interesting to him now. Dad's eating chips? Holy crap, I must watch him. Cat's nearby? Ooo, lookie there!

He discovered his ears right around Christmas. And he learned how to remove his hat. So much for cute winter hats!

And lastly, the tooth! I was totally surprised by it because he hadn't seemed super fussy or different in the days leading up to it. He had been awfully strange one night the week before. That night he would not fall asleep without the boob in his mouth. If he slipped off for one sec, he was awake and crying. At the time I wondered if maybe he was teething, because he had never acted like that before, but when he had a runny nose the next day I figured he was just sick and sad. Perhaps is was teething after all!

POSTPARTUM

As for me postpartum, I have some happy news and some less happy news. I am happy because this month I have been working really hard to eat less meat and incorporate more whole foods into my diet and it makes me feel awesome. I feel so much better and I've lost the 5 pounds I gained the previous month! Haha. So I am still 10 pounds from my goal (13 pounds from pre-pregnancy), but very happy that I am seeing and feeling results just by being more conscious of what I'm putting in my body. The less happy news is that I have been feeling bummed about not being very active on my beauty channel since going back to work at 2 months. I simply don't feel motivated to work on that channel. I still do my makeup almost every day and I love playing with it, but I don't feel motivated to film my makeup or talk about it or whatever. I don't know what the deal is. It makes me sad because it used to be one of my very favorite things to do and now it's totally on the back burner. 

I remember saying when I was pregnant that becoming a mother wasn't going to change how I do my makeup, it hasn't. I still wear purple lipstick and create dramatic looks when I feel like it, but as far as Youtube is concerned, I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed at trying to balance mom life and Alaina life. But the trouble is, I enjoy mom life! I enjoy spending time with Calvin and I don't want to sacrifice Calvin time for "work" time. Youtube is work: filming is work, editing is definitely work, and reserving time to do that work is hard as a new mom. And I don't know how much harder it's going to get with time, or with more kiddos! 

Anyway, I hope everyone is having an excellent holiday season. Happy New Year!

Love,

Alaina