I wish he had been breech and we had to have a c-section instead of pushing and failing.
He was head down.
He was ready.
I was not.
After nearly 20 hours in labor and 3 hours of pushing. I failed.
That's what I feel like. I feel like I failed. I tried and I failed.
Then when Calvin could/would not latch in the hospital, I felt like even more of a failure.
I felt like I had completely fucked up being a mother. In just a few days time. After months of carrying him, I had thrown that all out the window because I didn't give birth to him the way I thought it would happen.
I never read about c-sections or recovery because I thought it would never happen to me.
I hate that it greatly increases my odds of having more c-sections.
And I want a big family.
And it makes me wonder whether or not I should even try to push next time around.
If I fail again, I fear it will be even more of a traumatic experience than the first time around.
But if I don't try again, am I just admitting defeat? I'm not even putting any faith in myself.
There are a lot of things about Calvin's birth and the last five weeks of my pregnancy that make me upset, even still. Things that make me feel like a failure. Things I feel traumatized over. Things that I know will haunt me in all my future pregnancies. Regrets. Fears. And I want the opportunity to redeem myself and "do it right" next time. I love Calvin with all my heart, more than I ever knew I could love anything or anyone, yet I hate most of the entire birth experience I had with him. Women talk about how empowering giving birth is and I certainly did not and do not feel that way at all about the birth of Calvin.
I don't write this to get any kind of sympathy. I write this for the chance to rant and let my feelings out, but also to hopefully show another mother out there that she is not alone if she has similar feelings.
We are all mothers. I guess the one positive thing I can pass along is this: don't let one moment of motherhood define your entire identity as a mother. Your baby doesn't care or remember, all he needs to know is how much you love him and that you are being the best mommy you can be for him.