Disclosure: All reviews are my true and honest opinions. Posts may contain affiliate links where I earn a small commission from your purchase, but I will always let you know which links those are. :)

Friday, December 30, 2016

I Hate That I Had a C-Section

In all honesty, I absolutely hate it. Even seven months on. I hate that I had a c-section. It bothers me like no other. I almost went off on my best friend the other day for saying I hadn't given birth to Calvin. I very sternly retaliated with, "it was his birth day, wasn't it?"

I wish he had been breech and we had to have a c-section instead of pushing and failing. 
He was head down. 
He was ready.
I was not.
After nearly 20 hours in labor and 3 hours of pushing. I failed. 
That's what I feel like. I feel like I failed. I tried and I failed.
Then when Calvin could/would not latch in the hospital, I felt like even more of a failure. 
I felt like I had completely fucked up being a mother. In just a few days time. After months of carrying him, I had thrown that all out the window because I didn't give birth to him the way I thought it would happen.
I never read about c-sections or recovery because I thought it would never happen to me. 
I hate that it greatly increases my odds of having more c-sections. 
And I want a big family. 
And it makes me wonder whether or not I should even try to push next time around. 
If I fail again, I fear it will be even more of a traumatic experience than the first time around. 
But if I don't try again, am I just admitting defeat? I'm not even putting any faith in myself. 

There are a lot of things about Calvin's birth and the last five weeks of my pregnancy that make me upset, even still. Things that make me feel like a failure. Things I feel traumatized over. Things that I know will haunt me in all my future pregnancies. Regrets. Fears. And I want the opportunity to redeem myself and "do it right" next time. I love Calvin with all my heart, more than I ever knew I could love anything or anyone, yet I hate most of the entire birth experience I had with him. Women talk about how empowering giving birth is and I certainly did not and do not feel that way at all about the birth of Calvin. 

I don't write this to get any kind of sympathy. I write this for the chance to rant and let my feelings out, but also to hopefully show another mother out there that she is not alone if she has similar feelings. 

We are all mothers. I guess the one positive thing I can pass along is this: don't let one moment of motherhood define your entire identity as a mother. Your baby doesn't care or remember, all he needs to know is how much you love him and that you are being the best mommy you can be for him.


7 Month Old Baby Update + Postpartum

Seven months old. It just sounds so old! I literally can't believe it! Calvin looks more and more like a toddler every day, no longer my little newborn baby boy.

Eating blueberries on Christmas morning.

Lots of things have been happening this month! Still no crawling, but I saw him get up on his hands and knees and hold it for what felt like forever just last night! And most exciting of all... he has a tooth! A real baby tooth! Ahh! I just discovered it last night while he was trying to gnaw my finger off. Haha. 


He had another growth spurt at the beginning of the month.
On Dec. 18, I plopped him down on the floor in the living room, next to a laundry basket and went to the kitchen for something. When I returned just seconds later, that baby boy was clinging to the side of the basket. If I hadn't arrived when I did, he would have been buried under a toppled pile of laundry. I grabbed the other side of the basket to make sure it didn't tip, and he just pulled himself right up like he'd been doing this for weeks! Haha.
He keeps sitting up in his swing, instead of leaning back like a good baby. One day Justin put him in the swing and didn't close the lap piece. After leaving him alone for literally just a few seconds, I returned to the living room to find this baby clinging onto the bottom of the swing almost completely slipping off of it. 
He has started reaching for people. When we're sitting on the floor and he's tired of playing, he'll reach up to me. When people are holding him, he'll reach for who he wants. I think it's a pretty cool new skill. 
He got another cold right before Christmas. Running nose, stuffy, boogery. It's so sad because it's hard for him to nurse. And he hates when you try to suck the boogies away.
He gets so distracted when nursing. Like the whole wide world is just so damn interesting to him now. Dad's eating chips? Holy crap, I must watch him. Cat's nearby? Ooo, lookie there!
He discovered his ears right around Christmas. And he learned how to remove his hat. So much for cute winter hats!
And lastly, the tooth! I was totally surprised by it because he hadn't seemed super fussy or different in the days leading up to it. He had been awfully strange one night the week before. That night he would not fall asleep without the boob in his mouth. If he slipped off for one sec, he was awake and crying. At the time I wondered if maybe he was teething, because he had never acted like that before, but when he had a runny nose the next day I figured he was just sick and sad. Perhaps is was teething after all!


As for me postpartum, I have some happy news and some less happy news. I am happy because this month I have been working really hard to eat less meat and incorporate more whole foods into my diet and it makes me feel awesome. I feel so much better and I've lost the 5 pounds I gained the previous month! Haha. So I am still 10 pounds from my goal (13 pounds from pre-pregnancy), but very happy that I am seeing and feeling results just by being more conscious of what I'm putting in my body. The less happy news is that I have been feeling bummed about not being very active on my beauty channel since going back to work at 2 months. I simply don't feel motivated to work on that channel. I still do my makeup almost every day and I love playing with it, but I don't feel motivated to film my makeup or talk about it or whatever. I don't know what the deal is. It makes me sad because it used to be one of my very favorite things to do and now it's totally on the back burner. 

I remember saying when I was pregnant that becoming a mother wasn't going to change how I do my makeup, it hasn't. I still wear purple lipstick and create dramatic looks when I feel like it, but as far as Youtube is concerned, I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed at trying to balance mom life and Alaina life. But the trouble is, I enjoy mom life! I enjoy spending time with Calvin and I don't want to sacrifice Calvin time for "work" time. Youtube is work: filming is work, editing is definitely work, and reserving time to do that work is hard as a new mom. And I don't know how much harder it's going to get with time, or with more kiddos! 

Anyway, I hope everyone is having an excellent holiday season. Happy New Year!


Friday, December 16, 2016

Learning to "Love" my Postpartum Body

I keep saying that I am happy where I am at. I say it on Facebook, in YouTube videos, updates about Calvin and myself. I say it out loud to myself, to my husband. But I don't know if I believe it.

Don't get me wrong, there are days I wake up, get dressed, and say to myself "you look good." There are also days I don't even look in the mirror as I'm getting out of the shower.

There are days I look back at old pictures of myself and think I looked sickly skinny! And there are days I see my plump pregnancy face and think that chubbiness actually kind of suited me. :) There are days that I just want to fit into my old clothes because it feels like a waste for them to sit around in drawers, never being worn. Some days I just want to take all that stuff to Goodwill and start over with the bigger clothes I've bought postpartum. But I fear that will make me feel like a failure, like I'll never even try to get back to my regular size if I do that. I feel like that will be admitting defeat.

There are definitely days I get mad at my husband for having gained weight since we first got together 7 1/2 years ago, or even since we got married a year and a half ago. I get so mad at him because, in my eyes, he has no excuse. I just grew another human life and am currently providing the bulk of his nutrition just from my body, what's Justin's excuse? And it makes it so hard to make changes that help me lose the weight when my husband isn't on my side too. Working out and eating better are simply just up to me at this point. Let's not even get into the fact that feeding Justin is like feeding an 8-year-old, he is the pickiest eater I have ever met. Healthy dinners for two are impossible. And I'm not about to cook two separate meals everyday either.

And exercise. My last semester of college I would go for short runs nearly every day. I started in the winter and the cold didn't even matter to me. I loved it. I enjoyed it. Even Justin saw me gaining muscle tone in my legs. I don't even remember why I started doing it. I wasn't trying to get buff, I wasn't trying to lose weight, I just liked doing it. I wish I could get back into it. Honestly, it's part laziness, of course. I could totally figure out some mommy-son workouts to do that involve Mr. Cal. But running, or stopping by the gym on the way home, just seem like a waste to me. To me, that's wasted time I could be spending with my baby boy. Mom guilt is real. I would feel so guilty for taking 45 minutes to myself instead of heading straight home to Calvin after work. And is it really worth it to look good but lose a few hours a week of Calvin time? For me, it's a tough decision.

And lastly, more babies! God willing, Calvin isn't going to be my only baby. We want many babies! So is it really worth it to get a nice flat tummy in the winter and have a big ole belly the next summer? I understand you don't just want to keep piling baby weight on top of baby weight, but what about muscle tone? Why even work on six-pack abs if they're going to be ruined again and again?

Overall, simply learning to love my body has been hard, it's been a journey, with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But what am I actually striving for? Do I want to learn to accept this body or put in the effort and work toward a more appealing figure that makes me happy again?


Friday, December 9, 2016

Sample 6 Month Old Breastfed Baby Boy Schedule

I have a big, healthy, growing baby boy and he still eats A LOT. Here's just one example day in our life.

2:00 am - wake to nurse
7:30 am - wake up for day and nurse
8:00 am - breakfast - 2 ounces baby food
8:45 am - nurse to sleep
9:00-9:45 am - nap
10:30 am - nurse
11:50 am - lunch - 3 ounces baby food
12:00-1:30 pm - nap
2:00 pm - nurse
3:45 pm - nurse
5:15 pm - dinner - 2 ounces baby food
6:30 pm - nurse to sleep
7:00 pm - bedtime

Yes, I still nurse Calvin to sleep. We always nurse to sleep at bedtime and sometimes for nap time. If he seems to be getting tired but fighting a nap, I'll nurse him to sleep. If he seems to be getting tired and starts humming to himself or talking to himself, I know he can probably fall asleep on his own and I'll just put him in the crib. I know there is some controversy surrounding the topic, but this works for us. To me, I don't see it as any different than giving a baby a binky for naptime and I am fine with being Cal's binky for the time being. And he is great about going to bed at bedtime. Even if he nurses but is still awake when he finishes, we can put him down in his crib and 99% of the time he's asleep within 10 minutes, no crying or fussing. He really is a great baby about bedtime, naps can be hard some days, but bedtime is awesome.

At this point, we probably could feed him larger amounts of baby food and perhaps he wouldn't still be needing to nurse every two hours, but we're working our way up to the 3-4 ounce mark. He seems to get restless in the evenings and doesn't like to eat more than 2 ounces for dinner. If he's in a good mood for breakfast and lunch, he'll eat 3 ounces or more.

When he was a newborn I loved to Google "how often does a ___ month old nurse." I was so ready to be done with nursing every two hours, but Mr. Calvin is still at that every two hour mark most of the day. Really the only nursing times we have given up since he was a tiny newborn are one around midnight because he only wakes up once (usually between 1-3 am) in the night to eat, and another feeding around 5-6 pm because we have replaced that one with baby food instead of nursing because it is quicker and easier during our dinnertime. I used to immediately come home from work and have to feed Calvin while Justin made dinner. I'd end up either eating my dinner cold or trying to maneuver it to eat over Calvin. It was relaxing to get to immediately come home to that most days, I'd think about it after a long day at work, how I just wanted to be home nursing my little baby boy, but other days I just wanted to eat my damn dinner! Lol.

So Calvin still nurses around seven times per day, for 20-30 minutes at a time too, longer if he's tired.

Now don't get me wrong, every baby is different, I kept hoping we'd have significantly reduced our nursing sessions by now, but that's just not the case with us personally. I just wanted to put this out there for any moms who are in the midst of the newborn stage wondering if it's ever going to be better. It does get easier, it does get to be part of your routine. But don't keep hoping for the future, enjoy the moment you're in and get used to it if you want to be in it for the long haul. :) It's true when they say time flies.


Monday, December 5, 2016

A Random Little Update - Where's the makeup?

Some of you may be wondering what the heck is going on? I haven't posted a makeup look or review of a makeup product or really anything not mommy related in soo long! And I have to be totally honest, during my pregnancy I never would have predicted I'd get so far off course after Calvin's birth. I was doing okay while I was on my maternity leave (for 8 weeks): YouTube allowed me to have a little something to do during the week. But since going back to work, I just don't feel the urge to film or work on any of that stuff.

I only work four days a week. I spend most of my day off doing laundry and making baby food, in addition to hanging out with Cal. When Cal is awake, I want to spend time with him and while he's sleeping I have other stuff to do. On the weekends I like to relax and spend time with my husband while Calvin naps. So it's partially not having the time, but more so just wanting to spend my time in other ways than before.

At his 6 month check up
I used to film every weekend. I'd film a tutorial or GRWM video while I put on my makeup, then film another random video afterwards, and finish it off with my weekly pregnancy update. Then later on I'd edit or wait until the following day. That's when I had two videos per week. On maternity leave I felt that one video per week was reasonable and I accomplished that for awhile. But ever since returning to work I would just rather spend my time doing other things. And I know that it's a rut and I'll get back to it in good time, but it is hard to get out of a rut like this. It's hard to get back into filming and editing after being very inconsistent for a long time. But I want to! I want to get back into it, I just need to figure out how much time is reasonable and when I can take advantage of my time.

And let's be honest here, I haven't even hunted for makeup or browsed the makeup aisles in a long time either. That's a thing I just don't have time for. I don't have the time or patience to run to half a dozen stores searching for a new product. I'm not about to get Calvin in and out of the car that many times for a couple hours lol. Calvin is a big boy, he's been in the 90-something-th percentile for his weight and height since his first month check up. And I'm not as strong as I could be ha. Not about to lift that car seat and carry it around just to walk into Walgreens and not find what I'm looking for ten times lol. Don't get me wrong, I still do my makeup six out of seven days a week, but I just don't feel the desire to spend a ton of money on it anymore. I still love applying my makeup, I love wearing bright lips, colorful eyes, or just the bare minimum. It's a very strange thing for me. I just feel guilty to be working on YouTube stuff when I could be playing with Calvin. Plus I just plain need some inspiration. I think that's part of it too. I need to find a new product to test out or something to get me back into the makeup world and report back to you on.

Anyway, I know this was random, but I just wanted to give a little update, maybe guilt myself into some kind of inspiration or motivation. Hopefully I will see you guys soon!

I love you guys,

Thursday, December 1, 2016

6 Month Baby Update : Calvin Lee

I feel like this month went by a lot slower than previous months, which is a good thing for a mom who doesn't want her baby boy to grow up too fast!

For me and my postpartum body, I have not been working very hard at getting back to normal. Not watching what I eat very well lately... Therefore, I am still stuck with 10-15 pounds to lose. My pants are still continuing to get looser, which is a good sign. I might not be losing weight but something is happening.

Calvin's Stats at his 6 month check up: weighs 20 lbs 1.6 oz, 28.5 inches tall


Mr. Cavin, is trying his very hardest to get up on his hands and knees. He gets up on his tippy toes and most recently his knees, but can't seem to get up on his hands at the same time, but he's trying his best! And he isn't army crawling yet either. But he is doing super well at sitting up on his own. Sometimes he does fall over, but more often than not he's sitting up for quite awhile and when he lays down it looks like he's doing it intentionally, not just flopping over. Lol.


He moved from the Bumbo to the highchair. He just kept trying to reach for things and bending in all directions, not to mention trying to kick his heels and escape from it. He's a big boy and his chubby little thighs sometimes get stuck when you pull him out, so we just retired that item before he got hurt.

We've been practicing with the sippy cup a little bit and he's very interested in it and cries if he drops it out of his reach, but I'm not sure if he really understands it because I'll put a little bit of water or breast milk in it (less than an ounce) and by the time he's done messing with it, there's hardly any gone. I was going to ask the pediatrician about what brand she'd recommend but totally forgot, so it's time to look up reviews! Feel free to leave any suggestions below.

He still nurses 6-7 times per day. He eats 2 meals of 2-3 ounces of baby food (usually lunch and dinner on grandma days, and breakfast and dinner on mom and dad days). He loves pretty much every food he's tried except squash. He's not a big fan of squash, but he doesn't super hate it or refuse it. And for our 6 month check up, I asked our doctor all about food and she told me that Cal can eat whatever (except raw honey) as long as it's not a choking hazard, so I can't wait to start making more baby food. The freezer is currently pretty full so I have to wait til we empty out some containers before I can make new baby food lol.

First Sickness

Calvin had his first sickness at the beginning of the month and that was so sad. It was just a little cold, but as a tiny baby whose main source of food is a liquid, it was hard for him to eat due to the stuffy nose. That was so sad. And he hated when I used the booger sucker device. But it didn't last too long, maybe a week overall and only 2-3 days of the sad little stuffy and runny nose.

He rolls everywhere in his crib! You put him down on his back and as soon as you leave the room, he is on his belly. He used to love sleeping on his side but ever since he's learned to roll over it's like he cannot figure out how to just be on his side. He either has to be all the way on his back or all the way on his belly, there is no in-between.

He seems to gravitate toward two naps per day, but sometimes he takes three smaller ones. His average nap is 1.5 hours.

We've been much more consistent about reading bedtime stories this month and having an actual bedtime routine. It's not fancy but Cal is really good about going to bed. Bedtime is 7 pm. If it's a bath night, we'll start that at 6, then read a bedtime story in his room, and head downstairs to start nursing at 6:30. I'm not sure if that's totally due to the routine or him just being a good baby. Sometimes I nurse him to sleep and sometimes he stays awake through the last nursing session of the evening and he still goes down really well. Just plop him in his crib and turn on the mobile and in less than 10 minutes he's out like a good baby. After our terrible 4 month sleep regression, I never would have guessed he'd be such a good night time sleeper. He still wakes once in the night usually sometimes between 1-3 am. And about once per week he'll sleep all the way through til 5 am. I always get my little hopes up that perhaps he's going to start sleeping through the entire night consistently, but that has yet to happen. Lol.

Overall, Calvin is growing so fast! He's a big healthy baby and we are so grateful and thankful for that. He's learning so much so quickly, I can't wait to see what the future holds for our little boy, but at the same time I want him to be little forever. :)

Thanks so much for reading!