Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Alright Calvin, we just need you to hang out for awhile longer. We came to the hospital at 32 weeks, 1 day. You're not ready yet, even though I'd love to see you, we all know that's not a good idea right now. Everyone's really worried about you but you're in really good hands here at this hospital. Our doctor is very optimistic about you being good and plenty healthy when you finally come. You had me and daddy super worried but every day things are looking up. I might be in the hospital for awhile, but I keep reminding myself it's better me than you. I want you to come home with us right on time. Me and your daddy love you so so much but you gotta stay put for awhile longer!
Wednesday April 27, 2016
The doctor came in this morning and pretty much just reiterated the fact that we're simply waiting to see what's next. Things are still going well, but it can be frustrating not knowing when you're coming. I wish your daddy could be with us all the time. We all love you so much. Grandma told me your cousin Lyvi was going to tell her friend at school about you but she couldn't remember your name, so she didn't tell them. I know she's excited to meet you, we all are. Lyv and Leighton's grandma is a nurse here and she's going to take good care of you if you come early and need extra help and care. She told me that I look more like grandpa John since I'm chubbier while pregnant. I wonder who you look like Calvin.
It's so weird to imagine you with a May birthday, I always assumed you'd be here in June. And I thought you'd be late, at that! Now that's assuming we can hold out a few more days and make it until May. I'm afraid of giving birth to you. I don't know what to expect. I'm fearful your daddy won't be there for the whole thing. I don't want to be alone through any of it. I'm afraid they'll have to scoop you up and take you away as soon as you're born. It's crazy to think we're so close to meeting you. After months of you just living in my belly, you're finally going to be here and this whole pregnancy journey will be over, only to start a new, even more exciting journey as your mommy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
My sweet baby boy, it is getting very hard for me to be living here at the hospital. I know it is for your best interest: for your health and well-being, not to mention your future. But it is so lonely. I am so glad I still have you safe in my belly though. You are safe and growing so big and strong in there. They already estimate that you weigh 6 lbs 8 oz. While you are in there I can feel you move and I know you are good. If you were to have been born already, I would not always be with you like I am now. I'd have to leave you at the hospital without me and your daddy.
Today I am 34 weeks 4 days pregnant and our doctor has faith we are going to reach full term, 37 weeks. I've been in the hospital 17 days now, and if you come at exactly 37 weeks, that will be 17 days from now. So we are halfway there! I can't wait to meet you but I can hold out another 2.5 weeks if it means you'll be able to come home with us right away Calvin.
We have the best doctor around. He wants to keep you safe and sound in my belly as long as possible. If we were in the hands of any other doctor, you'd have been born already. I thank the Lord every day that that's not the case. We love you so much Calvin and we only want what is best for you.
Thursday, May 19,2016
This hospital stay sucks. I just want to rant right now, but let me get some things off my chest first of all. Yes, I am so blessed to have made it this far in my pregnancy, we'll be 36 weeks tomorrow, and our doctor is awesome, I'm so glad we have him. I know that there are so many women out there going through much more difficult pregnancies and issues. There are plenty of mothers who have given birth before 36 weeks and have to visit their babies in the NICU not knowing what happens next. I know I am blessed and this could be so much worse, I know that in my heart, but this whole situation still sucks and I'm jealous of all the women who have very good, uncomplicated, easy pregnancies. I'm jealous of the mothers who get to spend their last few weeks living their normal everyday life. I'm upset that we didn't get to take maternity pictures. I'm upset that I missed physically being at my one and only baby shower that looked just so precious in the pictures! I'm upset that I can't just wake up next to my husband every morning. I'm upset that Justin and I don't get to go on one last date just the two of us, that I can't just live a normal life and be in my own home. I want to make dinner for us. I want to be able to nest and set things up and I know Justin has been working hard, doing laundry and washing bottles and getting everything ready for Calvin, but I don't get to have that experience and it makes me feel so disconnected. I know that I see Calvin twice a week on ultrasound, I hear his little heartbeat twice per day on the NST monitors, I feel him wiggle all the time, and I am here because of him, I think about him all the time. But I just think that perhaps if I were at home nesting and organizing and getting things ready for him that I would feel more connected and ready for him to come. I want to meet him but I still am afraid of the unknowns of giving birth.
But once again, I know we are blessed. Honestly, this stay seems to have been going by somewhat quickly, I can't believe it's already almost been a month! But the days suck. I feel like I'm simply growing a baby right now, I'm not living or contributing to life or anything. I feel very useless.
And I can't wait to see Calvin. He is my ticket out of here! I just know in my heart that he's going to be going home with us, I have full faith that he will not be stuck here without us.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
I have to be honest that at times I have felt inadequate as a mommy to be. I've felt like I'm not made to be a mommy and not meant to carry babies because of this whole issue. It's hard to put into words. I just feel like perhaps we shouldn't try for more kids because of the possibility of going through this all over again. Not just for the fact that it sucks to be in the hospital like this, but that things might not go as well next time around. What if next time they couldn't stop my labor and the baby would be born at 32 weeks, what kind of issues would there be? How long would they have to stay in the NICU? Would there be long term problems and issues with their health? What if they did stop my labor, but then I got an infection and had to have the baby early anyway? There are so many things that could go wrong. So many things that could have gone wrong with me and Calvin this time!
I feel so conflicted, like my thoughts are constantly pulling me in two different directions. I feel so upset that this has happened, trying to pin point what I've done wrong in this pregnancy. But at the same time there is a part of me that is so happy and proud that we've made it this far, that my decision to come to this hospital and get a new doctor, not just settle for my old doctor, has saved our little Calvin from coming prematurely. Because of the hospital I chose and the doctor that I was blessed with, we are able to have our precious little boy at full term! After four weeks now/five weeks when he comes on Friday, we made it! And that fills my heart with so much happiness. No matter what, if we can hold out these next six days (and I know we will :)), our baby boy will be a full term baby, something I never ever would have thought could happen on that first day at 32+1 weeks when I woke up to this whole mess.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
I still can't believe you're going to be here in a just a few days, baby boy! I talked to a pediatrician here at the hospital yesterday and got some unsettling news. He told me that because my membranes have been ruptured for so long, they're going to take you to the NICU and have you on IV antibiotics for 48 hours after you're born as a precaution! This has made me upset wondering whether or not we'll even be able to just have some time together in your first hours of life. I will have to pump to feed you breast milk, but we should be able to hold you and visit you and spend a lot of time with you. I don't even know if we'll be able to breastfeed in your first hour. We'll be going home in two days anyway, so our two stays should coincide and you'll be able to come home with us. It still makes me sad to know that there's a possibility you'll be whisked away as soon as you're born. The pediatrician really made it seem like there would be a 50/50 chance we could spend time with you first or not. And he did mention there was a very slight chance none of this would have to happen anyway, they would examine him in our room, he'd be totally fine, and they would just leave us like any other family. He just kept saying this was a very slight chance though.
My doctor did not think this was all necessary, but apparently the pediatrician staff is new and they have different procedures than the previous staff who were here when I first arrived in the hospital. You are a good size baby, you'll be right at the normal newborn weight when you're born at 37 weeks. We had the steroid shots for your lungs. And because you're already full term, you realistically shouldn't have issues feeding. I just don't understand why when it looks like everything is going in your favor, they want to take you away from us. I know it's just a precaution and it's for your best interest, but it just makes me very upset, I thought by making it to term we wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Good thing I have no real birth plan, it looks like none of it would happen at this point anyway.
Your dad and I have been back and forth on how many people we want to be there the day you're born. I hate the idea of all these people waiting around for you to come. I feel that it will make me stressed and anxious about getting you out quickly. Plus I just want your dad and me to have plenty of time alone with you, especially if you're going to have to spend the next two days in the NICU, not in our room with us. We just want you all to ourselves before you're taken from us. And I know that's selfish, but I've carried you nine months and I deserve to be with you for as long as I want just as soon as you're born! And I know everyone is very excited to meet you, baby boy.
